Updated: Apr 1, 2018
By Feeling Flush member Becky Martin
Oh you ARE kidding? Peri-menopausal symptoms AND dating? The gods have to be pissing themselves laughing somewhere. The bas****s.
So here I am, contemplating my first date in almost two years. Before then, I used to stride out in sky high wedges, with a sexy swing to my hips, owning the pavement, on my way to meet many a potential beau from the online world.
What’s happened since? I got out of bed, the day after my 50th birthday and suddenly couldn’t walk. Now don’t be too alarmed, I didn’t have some kind of ghastly disease but an ankle ligament was well and truly buggered. Fast forward two years, having had an op and managing to lard up by over three stone as there was a whole heap of sitting around, I find myself fat, over 50, peri-menopausal, and GOING ON A DATE.
DOING A DOLLY PARTON
The panic has set in and with it the panic buying. Nip+Fab Glycolic Instant Fix Mask. CHECK. Dragon's Blood Fix Pads enriched with salicylic and hyaluronic acids for smoother skin. CHECK. Face scrub, body scrub, brain scrub. CHECK. A new under eye cream that will miraculously remove my dark circles – I am NOT a lemur. Checkity CHECK. I simply can’t lose a heap of weight really quickly anymore, like I could when I was younger. Jeez, where’s that gorgeous fitness freak, Jessie Pavelka when you need him? Guh! Can I get a tummy tuck and some thigh lipo in time instead then, oh and hoover the chins from my once pretty jawline too, why don’t you?! Bah!! I’m going bald at the front around the hairline thanks to these bloody hormone changes. What to do? Call Dolly Parton and ask for one of her wigs?
Mind you, my worst fear is that I’m going to walk from the cold outside night air and into a busy, packed hot pub and my body will start going all Niagara Falls on me. When I have a hot flush, it can last for up to eight minutes (yes, I’ve taken pics to record this as I was trying make something good come out of this, like, I dunno, ART and had noted the time) and the sweat can be running down the sides of my face, under my eyes, top lip, and chin. As well as the unseen areas of back of neck, and cleavaaarrrge. I will be armed with my trusty fan (one of many, as one does like to co-ordinate) and a vat of Promensil Cooling Spray – a rather shocking £14.99 at Boots, but if it helps, I’m buying. Having said that, nothing can really cover up a massive outbreak of torrential sweat. Oh help.
BALLS TO HIM
Having taken a deep breath and fist pumped myself, I then declared that, “I AM a strong, smart, vibrant, funny, warm woman”, and if The Date can’t see all that, and is put off by any sweatiness, then balls to him.And with that self-endorsement ringing in my ears, you’ll be surprised to know that I didn’t sit quietly thumbing through a quality paperback by Germaine Greer, or even crank up Beyonce’s Run the World or Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger, but took about three hours de-fuzzing, buffing, scrubbing and plucking, then priming, concealing and highlighting (not contouring, Kim K, thanks love, I’m not 20, FFS), and all with the window wide open letting in minus degree air.
The author: Becky Martin
*Did you go on a date with him Becky? *Lynnette & Paula (FF founders)