• Paula


So you’ve sat on your eggs for a while, they hatch, you feed them around the clock everytime they squark. They’re major high maintenance to be fair. Then they suddenly start stretching their wings a bit, going off to bird school during the day, you’re no longer regurgitating worms as they’ve worked out how to yank them out of the ground themselves. It all starts getting a bit easier to manage.

And then before you can blink your black beady eyes, they are teetering on the edge of the nest, ready to leave Mama Birds’ feathery bossom.

Please. Wipe those tears. Empty nest syndrome? Pah! We’re here to tell you all the good bits about your kids growing up and buggering off into adulthood, even if they are still technically living at home.

1. You can go out when you want. Yes really. No babysitters, no planning, zilch. Get me the freakin’ cocktail menu now.

2. Not only can go out when you want to but you don’t even need to take the greedy, moaning little sh*ts with you. No siree. They can buy their own pizza.

3. Libido permitting, you can shag wherever and whenever you like with no danger of the troops advancing for a) a drink of water b) the lost teddy c) a cuddle ‘coz I’m lonely‘ (stop feeling sorry for him, this was pure sleep avoidance tactics) d) a ‘Mummy why is Daddy trying to fight you under the covers’ situation. Chandelier swinging is back on the agenda!

4. Menopausal insomnia permitting, you can sleep all night without disturbances (see above).

5. You can go on holiday to couples only resorts - IN SCHOOL TIME!!!!!! #doublewinner

Now I get that you can do all this probably as soon as hit the age of not needing babysitters but you won’t get the full freedom until you feel comfortable they won’t invite all their friends round to the house for a party as soon as you‘ve left for the pub!

NB neither of mine has properly buggered off yet by the way but I do all of the above!

NB by the way, apologies to anyone with young kids.

You’re f*ked for a while yet (technical term).



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